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When I was young (just last Tuesday) the world was a wondorous place a grand, great-to-be-alive place but, full of unanswered riddles and mysterious things I could never hope to understand. But, now it's Wednesday and I am older (I'm always older on Wednesdays) and the world is still very much the same. Tomorrow, if it's Thursday I may be a drum. (I'm not always a drum on Thursday)
Alone in the silent hours thinking of you Alone in the silent years remembering you Alone for that silent moment when I could have said I love you.
*
8th grey day of rain...
even the flowers
in my garden
seem sated.
**
See, I leave paths
in these fields of diamonds...
shuffling through
dew laden grass.
***
Summer evening concert
crickets and cicadas join in symphony
and listen
a solo by Mr. Frog
!
Brash morning light hesitates... outside our loving room window reluctant to awaken your shining beauty to spend another day competing.
snow wind candle night day laughter rainbow youth tears i love you
I think of love of soft to touch of sweet to smell of lovely to hear I think of love of starbursting midnight skies of liquid sunshine misty mornings of moonlit hand-in-hand walking beaches I think of love of a kitten sleeping in my lap of lilacs April afternoon blooming of childrens outside playing laughter I think of love I think of you.
Careening down hallways of loneliness my fears echoing in my ears I cry out, and I am mocked by my own voice. A light! I am saved! and laughing, I turn the corner but it is only an illusion. Now the loneliness laughs at its cruel jest. But I can go on, for you are there. I can escape tis madness that surrounds me, for you are there. There is hope, while you are there. ARE YOU THERE? Are You There? are you there?
Living - Loving
together - each other
peacefully - joyfully
content - exploring
knowing - wondering
in love - alive
Content in my discontent
I would love secretly
fearing the pain
of rejection.
Better, I thought
to fantasize
than to face the possibility
of rejection.
Then, one day
I found a love
my boundless dreams
could not contain.
I cast aside my fears
bared my soul
and gave my heart...
Rejected.
I may love again
but only in dreams
and be content
in my discontent.
Walking the winding road sharing the way with fellow travellers occasional nods, a smile a handclasp pointing out to one another the wonders 'long side the way... a clump of flowers a golden field of grain the song of a cricket even the ravages of a passing storm; one must exclaim the beauty of its unbridled strength. Travelling thus each moment holds new delights new experience is a life in itself So filled with the wonder of each moment I take each step unfettered with concern for the next. Rounding a bend along the way I come upon a man with his back to the road facing a sheer wall of cold gray rock that at some point above breaks its sheer climb to cross singing meadows and forested havens of life then climbs again until its snow covered crest brushes lightly against the blue... but the man sees nothing of this he moves his head to neither side up, or even down to witness the life in profusion at his very feet. "May I be of any service?" I ask He turns a cold "No." in my direction. "What are you doing here" I ask "Waiting" he replies "For what, sir?" "A beautiful experience." ...a butterfly pauses in its flight a brief moment upon his head "Would you turn your head then and witness the world around you?" "No! I may miss it!" I open my mouth to object when a soft hand touches mine. "Come', she said ' he cannot be dissuaded from waiting and there are many like him. They wait in caves and dark places shutting their eyes to the beauty around them hoping for that which surrounds them; wanting eternity but fearing it for they are unable to see the beauty in each moment of it." I smile and say "Some day, the mountain will wear away" and we walk along, laughing watching two lambs frolicking in a pasture beside the way as the evening sun admires its reflection in the now golden peak and a field of flowers tosses their fragrance across our path bidding us to enjoy a moment an eternity
I want to love you to find the key that unlocks the door to the soft warm core inside of you To soothe for a moment the fierce fear that bares its claws when love comes near To strip you bare of every care and linger in the light of your loving eyes To share the secrets hidden deep in the darkest corners of your soul To make your memories of loving sweeter To caress you gentle you kiss you keep you embrace you and set you free I want to love you.
Only nothing is forever. But, not all of nothing is forever. Sometimes you will find something where nothing was. Eventually, though, you will always find nothing where something was.
However,
Clinging, grasping
mouthing impassioned pleas and promises
of forevers.
ego feeding embraces
warm, moist passion
consumes anxieties;
giddy, breathtaking discoveries
of soft firm flesh
and something more......
with reason overwhelmed
in a surge of emotions
and buried
in a smother of flesh,
truth emerges
heaven is at hand
exploding, flashing, tearful ecstacy
we are one
and all that is
in the eternal now.
but, passion retreats
and emotions cannot withstand
the relentless march of reason
and we are left again
clinging, grasping
mouthing impassioned pleas and promises
of forevers
in hopes of a moment.
They tell me
that by doing it this way
I'll save time.
I wonder; Will I be able
to use that time
when I need it?
Hello, I'm Mr. Barnes
and I'd like to draw
fifteen minutes
from my temporal account.
Certainly! Would you like that
in AM or PM, sir?
I try so hard to be what you wish in me that I will no longer be when you are in love with me.
"Are you trying to tell me
you don't love me
like you used to?"
I have never loved you
like I used to...
I just loved you
the way I was loving you
right then.
Softly invading
now and then dreams
smiling, beckoning,
then hiding
while I search
longingly
for something
that if I found
I could not hold.
*
Foolish autumn moon
becomes entangled
in the branches of the tree.
**
Riverside hut
hangs suspended
in early morning mist.
***
Autumn leaves
brighter now
bejeweled by morning dew.
*
Wrapping my mind in your warm glow the clamor stops no questions no expectations in that moment I am free I love
I destroyed
your remains today
the small remnants
of a love
and a person
I created,
something that never was
out of nothing that ever was
in lonely desperation
to fill a need
and you were perfect
of course;
a bright warm glow
to fill a gut wrenching
empty
darkness
a harsh unreal reality
that became
softened and dreamlike
in your presence.
The shadows and echoes
of your being
swallowed by the sea now
like the setting sun.
I
Broken hearted
but smiling
in spite of it
or perhaps
because of it.
II
Old man
spring blossoms
bends to enjoy
and falls
III
I pointed out
the moon to you
I am not offering
just sharing.
IV
In the quest
to find ourselves
it would be so much simpler
if what we found
turned out to be
what we were looking for.
V
Silly kitten
has finally caught its tail
Careful...
too hard a bite
could spoil the game.
~
Field of blue flowers
Rippled by summer breezes
what a fragrant sea.
~
~
Bluebirds arrive early
this fine summer morning
begging for breakfast treats.
~
~
~
Ah, this warm spring day
may finally melt
this icy blue winter mood.
A baby cries an old man farts ah, sweet music of life.
I have walked the blue hills that formed the horizon of my child-home; walked the blue hills and beyond. Beyond mountains more majestic than told in tales beyond great seas never so vastly imagined. I have walked sunlit streets crowded with humanity and dark alleys where the barely human barely abide life. I have walked in driving rains and gentle mists in unrelenting desert heat and in the soft warmth of spring. My feet have been numbed by winters icy onslaughht and danced exhilarated on autumns carpet of fire. I have flown to peaks of ecstacy on loves gentle wings and plummeted to the depths of despair at loves lost known love and hate joy and sadness lent a hand and turned my back on a fellow man. The years and miles fade behind me memories dim scars heal footprints where I have trod disappear. But, that is yesterday... todays dawn breaks and in the distance the blue hills that form this new horizon beckon me to begin another day to continue this magnificent journey called life.
He had
a greasy
paint spattered
friction taped soul
and saw the world
with only one eye.
"But," he said
"what difference
does it make?
It all works."
~
Lemonade afternoon
slowly front porch swinging
passing neighbor waves.
~
~
Walking barefoot
on fresh mown grass
the old one smiles
~
~
~
Lemonade afternoon
fades into twilight
fireflies tango over the lawn
~
~
~
~
Ice cream Sunday
young girl in pink dress
savors strawberry sundae.
I was watching
a buffalo stampede
in Tibet
in 1903
when a Monarch butterfly
happened by
peeped in the porthole
then disappeared
in a fog bank.
Who would you watch
a Tibetan buffalo stampede with
but Teddy Roosevelt?
All my life a dull ache an awareness of something missing. Then, suddenly, You were there. The ache became a memory in the warmth of love filled summer days and nights, remembered not at all in autumns rapturous delights. Winters chill held no portent; the joy we knew seemed heaven sent. Springtime now brings another dawn; I turn to hold you but you are gone... Sharp pain now but I'll shed no tears; just cherish the memories for all my years.
Long sleepless nights with little else to do but think think of where you are not. Hours to remember the moments in the arms of your loved ones. Hours to remember the moments in the body of your loved one. Time to remember the tears in the eyes of the little one who doesn't understand why, why is her daddy leaving again? It caught her unexpected this time the half packed suitcase, why? You try to explain but the words sound hollow, you don't really believe it yourself, not when you think about what you're leaving. So, then, you don't think about it. Now, in the lonely hours, the tears flowing are yours, but they don't look like tears or feel like tears. They have the look of despair, they have the feel of emptiness that happens when love is far away. You're caught in a trap, the trap of habit. Such a devious trap. You hide it yourself with rationalizations and they come and let you out every two months. Ahh, the sweetness when you're out. The warmth in your loved ones arms, the heat of passion in your loved ones body. The tears in the little ones eyes are sparkles of joy and the minutes and the hours and the days slip away like a lovers summer. The days laugh, the nights smile and you are caught up in living and loving and living and loving to catch up. To catch up on all the moments you missed; trying desperately to make up for nights and days and love and life, all the moments when you were needed and wanted... You can't. The time is gone and time gone is time lost, lost forever. The opportunities, the problems, the successes, the failures, all gone beyond your grasp. What could have been, isn't, can never be. But, you try. You try so hard that you barely notice it's almost that time again. Oh, it creeps in but you dismiss it, you don't really want to notice. Being where you are feels so good. Why spoil it? Then, the ticket comes undeniable Special Delivery. Even now, surrounded by love and warmth and caught up in living what it was like seems unreal and far away a bad dream perhaps and maybe it wasn't really that bad and this time off has sure been great and, well...afterall, we do have to pay the rent. Firm resolve: Next time... (it's always next time) I'll find something else Next time I'll start to look around earlier at other possibilities. In the meanwhile, though, it's really been wonderful and I hate to go but we gotta eat. You're gone again, caught up in your trap so neatly concealed with rationalizations, and memory helps. Good old memory smooths out all the rough spots, stuffs the loneliness away in little pockets out of sight, even drags up an enjoyable moment or two or a conversation with a shipmate to help you along. You're at the airport and reflex takes over and you're jockeying for position in the check in line and then the long walk down lifeless corridors that could be used for a movie set where the inhabitants of the planet are robots with metal hearts and crystalline brains, no feeling required. It's that way everywhere you go, airports are not built for flesh and blood human beings. Oughta buy a magazine... your plane is now ready for boarding... the stewardess smiles the same "allthewaybackonyourleft" smile (they call it professional) and "Hey buddy, how was yer time off?" Just great, looks like we're at the back of the bus again." Fly for two hours wait at another airport for four... Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your pilot... gawd, I hope this character next to me doesn't snore... she does. Another airport milling around, luggage grabbing, you say no to the strange accent trying to sell you a taxi ride... there's a bus waiting and at the end of that the ship. The smell of loneliness is cleverly disguised by spreading confusion around the trap and the lonely desperation of the other crew has been replaced by the joy of expectation, they are being released, going home! It doesn't come yet the log trip and confusion dull the senses. New faces, my name is--- means "who the hell are you?" The "beach people" smile(they don't have to go) and "where's the gawdam messdeck?" "Hey, anybody seen----?" it's called Port Call. The lines are finally cast off it's even a relief just to escape the confusion and you're underway watching the people, the city, the land slip away. It's gentle this final move away from love from warmth from those that really care. The ship slips through the water dragging its wake along and drawing a shroud of blue around itself from horizon to horizon till all you can see is blue on blue sky on sea and now, now it begins once more. Long sleepless nights with little else to do but think, think of where you are not...........
To love you
was a dream;
to share the warmth
the light
the softness of you
seemed out of reach
even for the dreamer
who effortlessly raced
across heavens bounds.
Then you touched the dreamer
and all the dreams
he'd ever dreamed
came true
in the warmth
the light
the softness of you
and he soared to heights
that seemed out of reach
even for the dreamer.
You rage
You weep
you presumably lose sleep
over the plight
of the poor
the homeless
the sick
the children
whose fathers
mothers
the whole world
have deserted.
Lamenting
the lack of caring
of sharing
love
in our cities
our nations
our world.
We sit around
decrying
the injustice
the inequities
the hate
the crime
the waste;
blame
the government
politicos
big business
religion
unions...
"Them"
"those others"
All the ills of
the world
the nations
the cities
the neighborhoods
our homes!
are
"their fault"
It's
"just not fair."
Well,
good news!
there's a light
at the end
of the tunnel!
Oh,
that's not a light
it's a reflection
of yourself
when you take a moment
an hour
a week
(you decide how much)
and
make a committment
give of yourself
your time
skills
hands
eyes, legs
some sweat
your LOVE
at a shelter
a hospice
a clinic
a library
a hospital
a food bank
even something
as seemingly ignoble
as a litter strewn street
(opportunities abound).
Too much to ask?
OK!
Then instead of weeping
give a smile
to a stranger
instead of raging
say a kind word
instead of blaming
accept responsibility.
It's your world
if you don't like it
YOU
must
be the one
the place
where change starts.
I see you and I know our love was grown in some other time. Shall we love again now or perhaps tomorrow in an eternity yet to be. We loved then I know we shall again.
Across infinite miles
having travell'd paths
man can only dream of,
the meteor screams into ,atmosphere
and is gone
in a brilliant flash
no longer than it takes
a child to say
"I wish.."
swirling, whirling Come visit sojisans homepage
lights
flashing
green, blue
colors, dark
white, light
voices whisper
shout!
Hang on! Hold tightly!
I cling
grasping my
time-space-place
like a child
clinging to
the upright strut on a
playground - merrygoround
and watch the others
clinging too
with arms & legs
mouths laughing & grinning & shouting
under fear lit eyes
Hold on! Tightly!
Hang on, dear ! mother says
Hold tightly, son! father says
flashing swirls
white
bright
light
dark
soft
outsidesomewhere
voices....
What?!
Let go! Let go!
Let go?! Hell, no!!
Others clinging shout...
Don't! Let! Go!
smoky blue
deep brown
bright green
eyes
ask me
Hang on Daddy?
swirling
light
voices
flashing
bright
red
darkness
Let go !
Well...my arms are getting tired...
What?!
Hang on, mister! ! Hang on, Daddy?
My God, I don't know! !
Flashing
smoky
deep
bright
voices sing
Wrong again!
shout
Let go!
Who's out there?
All of us.
Who?
You.
Go screw!
No, you let go.
No! Don't! Let go!
Your place
in time & space
is anynow & everywhere
Let go!
I can't
Why?
I'm afraid!
Exactly
Fingers numb
flashing
lite
white
bright
darkness
clinging
singing
Rock of Ages
huh?!
We'll drown them out
Why
don't
you
drop
a
Bomb?
okay
NO!!
Gran'pa, I love you
Rock-a-bye
swirling swimmimg
misty shimmering
smoky clear
gray blue
flashing shining
let go! let go!
You sure? YES!!
okay
Outside now
time
my
space
relinquished
place
reality
I see
small swirling whirls
of clinging arms
fear lit eyes
sing I love you
shouting
Rock of Ages
&
D
R
O
P
P
I
N
G
bombs!
NO!
My God! Let go!
wrong again
from somewhere
smoky deep bright
flashing
voices
whisper
you let go
Again?!
Yep
ZZZIP
Universes flashing
in
white
bright
darkness
and i see
my dazzling arm
and sparkling feet
dancing
in
timeless
wonder
and a
deep bright smoky
star
twinkles
I love you
Far out!
not quite
*blink*
nothing
void
Who turned the friggin' lights out?!
you did
Can I turn'em back on?
you tell us
Of course I can...
Hey! Hee-hee! That means....
Right again.
LET THERE BE LIGHT!
Spring moon but the veranda is covered with snow. * Spring snow? No, it is the moon shining on fallen plum petals
Standing alone
in the dark
at my window
Fireshadows dancing
along the walls
Starlight flickering
over a distant hill
Memories of you
shimmering through my mind
Standing alone
in the dark.
I've been trying to write
a poem for you
ever since we met
but the words
don't seem to come
I've decided, then
to live my life
as a poem
for you.
I was going through some old letters a few days ago when I came across a picture of you from all those years ago. It was sort of odd too, because just a couple of days ago I'd been thinking of you and how beautiful you were. I smiled when I saw you there, then I frowned... I hadn't remembered your nose being quite that large or the way your right eyelid drooped a little more than the left and I wondered if you always had your hair done that way. It had to have been a bad picture, so I crumpled it up and threw it away and sat there, smiling, remembering how much in love we were and how beautiful you were.