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soji's Poetry

Some days are...
Alone
3 american haiku
good morning
snow...
I think of love
Echoes
untitled
Content...
Sharing the way...
I want to love you..
Only nothing...
untitled
A moment...
They tell me...
I try...
Now & then
Softly...
more American haiku
Love found...
love lost.
A few vignettes...
3 Blue Haiku
Sweet music...
Reflections on the occassion of another milestone...
Able bodied seaman...
Lemonade afternoons, ice cream Sunday ...more haiku
Buffaloes & butterflies
All my life
Saga of a Modern Mariner
To love you...
You, we, us... You rage
I see you...
Across infinite miles...
Chill grey day...
Transendance
Haiku, point & counterpoint
Memories
trying...
old letters...


Some days are...

When I was young (just last Tuesday) the world was a wondorous place a grand, great-to-be-alive place but, full of unanswered riddles and mysterious things I could never hope to understand. But, now it's Wednesday and I am older (I'm always older on Wednesdays) and the world is still very much the same. Tomorrow, if it's Thursday I may be a drum. (I'm not always a drum on Thursday)

Alone

Alone
in the silent hours
thinking of you
Alone 
in the silent years
remembering you
Alone
for that silent moment
when I could have said
I love you.



3 american haiku

           *

8th grey day of rain...
 even the flowers
  in my garden
   seem sated.

         **

See, I leave paths
in these fields of diamonds...
shuffling through
dew laden grass.

        ***

Summer evening concert
crickets and cicadas harmonize
solo by Mr. Frog

         !





good morning

Brash morning light
hesitates...
outside our loving room window
reluctant
to awaken your shining beauty
to spend another day
competing.


snow...

snow
wind
candle
night
day
laughter
rainbow
youth
tears
i love you


I think of love

I think of love
 of soft to touch
  of sweet to smell
   of lovely to hear
I think of love
 of starbursting midnight skies
  of liquid sunshine misty mornings
   of moonlit hand-in-hand walking beaches
I think of love
 of a kitten sleeping in my lap
  of lilacs April afternoon blooming
   of childrens outside playing laughter
I think of love
I think of you.


Echoes

Careening down hallways of loneliness
my fears echoing in my ears
I cry out, and I am mocked
by my own voice.

A light! I am saved!
and laughing, I turn the corner
but it is only an illusion.
Now the loneliness laughs
at its cruel jest.

But I can go on, 
for you are there.
I can escape tis madness
that surrounds me,
for you are there.
There is hope,
while you are there.

ARE YOU THERE?
Are You There?
are you there?


untitled

Living - Loving
    together - each other
  peacefully - joyfully
     content - exploring
     knowing - wondering
     in love - alive



Content...

Content in my discontent
I would love secretly
  fearing the pain
     of rejection.
Better, I thought
   to fantasize
than to face the possibility
   of rejection.

   Then, one day
  I found a love
my boundless dreams
  could not contain.
I cast aside my fears
   bared my soul
  and gave my heart...
     Rejected.

   I may love again
  but only in dreams
    and be content
       in my discontent.



Sharing the way...

Walking the winding road
sharing the way 
with fellow travellers
occasional nods, a smile
a handclasp
pointing out 
to one another
the wonders 'long side 
the way...
a clump of flowers
a golden field of grain
the song of a cricket
even the ravages of a passing storm;
one must exclaim the beauty 
of its unbridled strength.

Travelling thus
each moment holds new delights
new experience
is a life in itself
So filled with the wonder
of each moment
I take each step unfettered
with concern for the next.

Rounding a bend along the way
I come upon a man
with his back to the road
facing a sheer wall
of cold gray rock
that at some point above
breaks its sheer climb
to cross singing meadows
and forested havens of life
then climbs again
until its snow covered crest
brushes lightly against the blue...
but the man sees nothing of this
he moves his head to neither side
up, or even down
to witness the life
in profusion
at his very feet.

"May I be of any service?" I ask
He turns a cold "No." in my direction.
"What are you doing here" I ask
"Waiting" he replies
"For what, sir?"
"A beautiful experience."
...a butterfly pauses in its flight
a brief moment
upon his head
"Would you turn your head then
and witness the world around you?"
"No! I may miss it!"
I open my mouth to object
when a soft hand touches mine.
"Come', she said 
' he cannot be dissuaded from waiting
  and there are many like him.
They wait in caves and dark places
shutting their eyes to the beauty around them
hoping for that which surrounds them;
wanting eternity but fearing it
for they are unable to see the beauty
in each moment of it."

I smile and say
"Some day,
the mountain will wear away"
and we walk along, laughing
watching two lambs frolicking
in a pasture beside the way
as the evening sun admires its reflection
in the now golden peak
and a field of flowers 
tosses their fragrance
across our path
bidding us to enjoy
a moment
an eternity



I want to love you..

I want to love you

to find the key

that unlocks the door

to the soft warm core

inside of you

To soothe for a moment

the fierce fear

that bares its claws

when love comes near

To strip you bare 

of every care

and linger in the light

of your loving eyes

To share the secrets

hidden deep

in the darkest corners

of your soul

To make your memories

of loving sweeter

To caress you

   gentle you

   kiss you

   keep you

   embrace you

and set you free

I want to love you.



Only nothing...

Only nothing is forever.

But, not all of nothing 

is forever.

Sometimes

you will find something

where nothing was.

Eventually, though,

you will always find nothing

where something was.




untitled

However,



A moment...

               Clinging, grasping
      mouthing impassioned pleas and promises
                 of forevers.
             ego feeding embraces
        warm, moist passion
                  consumes anxieties;
      giddy, breathtaking discoveries
            of soft firm flesh
        and something more......
                with reason overwhelmed
         in a surge of emotions
              and buried
         in a smother of flesh,
             truth emerges
          heaven is at hand
       exploding, flashing, tearful ecstacy
                we are one
            and all that is
           in the eternal now.
                but, passion retreats
           and emotions cannot withstand
           the relentless march of reason
                   and we are left again
                     clinging, grasping
           mouthing impassioned pleas and promises
           of forevers
                        in hopes of a moment.




They tell me...

They tell me
that by doing it this way
I'll save time.
I wonder; Will I be able
to use that time
when I need it?

Hello, I'm Mr. Barnes
and I'd like to draw
   fifteen minutes
from my temporal account.

Certainly!  Would you like that
    in AM or PM, sir? 


I try...

I try so hard to be
what you wish in me
that I will no longer be
when you are in love with me.



Now & then

"Are you trying to tell me
      you don't love me
      like you used to?"

   I have never loved you
      like I used to...
     I just loved you
   the way I was loving you
          right then.



Softly...

  Softly invading 

now and then dreams

    smiling, beckoning,

      then hiding

  while I search

     longingly

  for something

that if I found

    I could not hold. 



more American haiku

*

 Foolish autumn moon
 becomes entangled
 in the branches of the tree.

           **

 Riverside hut
 hangs suspended
 in early morning mist.

           ***

 Autumn leaves
 brighter now
 bejeweled by morning dew.

            *



Love found...

Wrapping my mind

in your warm glow

the clamor stops

no questions

no expectations

in that moment

I am free

I love



love lost.

I destroyed

  your remains today

the small remnants

    of a love

    and a person

I created,

something that never was

out of nothing that ever was

   in lonely desperation

     to fill a need

  and you were perfect 

       of course;

  a bright warm glow

to fill a gut wrenching

         empty

        darkness

a harsh unreal reality

     that became

softened and dreamlike

  in your presence.

The shadows and echoes

    of your being

swallowed by the sea now

 like the setting sun.


A few vignettes...

         I

   Broken hearted 
but smiling
in spite of it
    or perhaps
     because of it.


        II

   Old man
spring blossoms
bends to enjoy
     and falls


       III

I pointed out 
   the moon to you
       I am not offering
            just sharing.


        IV

In the quest
to find ourselves
it would be so much simpler
if what we found
turned out to be
what we were looking for.


         V

Silly kitten
   has finally caught its tail
Careful...
   too hard a bite
   could spoil the game.   


3 Blue Haiku

                ~

    Field of blue flowers
   Rippled by summer breezes
    what a fragrant sea.


            ~
            ~

  Bluebirds arrive early
  this fine summer morning
  begging for breakfast treats.


            ~
            ~
            ~

   Ah, this warm spring day
   may finally melt
   this icy blue winter mood.
      

Sweet music...

A baby cries

an old man farts

ah, sweet music of life.



Reflections on the occassion of another milestone...

I have walked the blue hills

that formed the horizon

of my child-home;

walked the blue hills

and beyond.

Beyond mountains

more majestic

than told in tales

beyond great seas

never so vastly imagined.


I have walked sunlit streets

crowded with humanity

and dark alleys

where the barely human

barely abide life.


I have walked in driving rains

and gentle mists

in unrelenting desert heat

and in the soft warmth

of spring.


My feet have been numbed

by winters icy onslaughht

and danced exhilarated

on autumns carpet of fire.


I have flown to peaks of ecstacy

on loves gentle wings

and plummeted to the depths

of despair at loves lost

known love and hate

joy and sadness

lent a hand

and turned my back

on a fellow man.


The years and miles

fade behind me

memories dim

scars heal

footprints

where I have trod

disappear.


But, that is yesterday...

todays dawn breaks

and in the distance

the blue hills

that form this new horizon

beckon me

to begin another day

to continue

this magnificent journey

called life.



Able bodied seaman...

He had 

    a greasy

       paint spattered

          friction taped soul

     and saw the world

        with only one eye.

    "But," he said
      
       "what difference

          does it make?

         It all works."

Lemonade afternoons, ice cream Sunday ...more haiku

       ~

Lemonade afternoon

slowly front porch swinging

passing neighbor waves.


        ~
        ~

Walking barefoot

on fresh mown grass

the old one smiles


       ~
       ~
       ~

Lemonade afternoon

fades into twilight

fireflies tango over the lawn


       ~
       ~
       ~ 
       ~

Ice cream Sunday

young girl in pink dress

savors strawberry sundae.

Buffaloes & butterflies

     I was watching

  a buffalo stampede

    in Tibet

    in 1903

 when a Monarch butterfly

      happened by

     peeped in the porthole

       then disappeared

      in a fog bank.

   Who would you watch

a Tibetan buffalo stampede with

      but Teddy Roosevelt?

All my life

All my life
a dull ache
an awareness
of something missing.

Then, suddenly, 
You were there.
The ache 
became a memory
in the warmth
of love filled
summer days and nights,
remembered not at all
in autumns
rapturous delights.
Winters chill 
held no portent;
the joy we knew
seemed heaven sent.
Springtime now
brings another dawn;
I turn to hold you
but you are gone...

Sharp pain now
but I'll shed no tears;
just cherish the memories
for all my years.

Saga of a Modern Mariner

Long sleepless nights with little else to do but think think of where you are not. Hours to remember the moments in the arms of your loved ones. Hours to remember the moments in the body of your loved one. Time to remember the tears in the eyes of the little one who doesn't understand why, why is her daddy leaving again? It caught her unexpected this time the half packed suitcase, why? You try to explain but the words sound hollow, you don't really believe it yourself, not when you think about what you're leaving. So, then, you don't think about it. Now, in the lonely hours, the tears flowing are yours, but they don't look like tears or feel like tears. They have the look of despair, they have the feel of emptiness that happens when love is far away. You're caught in a trap, the trap of habit. Such a devious trap. You hide it yourself with rationalizations and they come and let you out every two months. Ahh, the sweetness when you're out. The warmth in your loved ones arms, the heat of passion in your loved ones body. The tears in the little ones eyes are sparkles of joy and the minutes and the hours and the days slip away like a lovers summer. The days laugh, the nights smile and you are caught up in living and loving and living and loving to catch up. To catch up on all the moments you missed; trying desperately to make up for nights and days and love and life, all the moments when you were needed and wanted... You can't. The time is gone and time gone is time lost, lost forever. The opportunities, the problems, the successes, the failures, all gone beyond your grasp. What could have been, isn't, can never be. But, you try. You try so hard that you barely notice it's almost that time again. Oh, it creeps in but you dismiss it, you don't really want to notice. Being where you are feels so good. Why spoil it? Then, the ticket comes undeniable Special Delivery. Even now, surrounded by love and warmth and caught up in living what it was like seems unreal and far away a bad dream perhaps and maybe it wasn't really that bad and this time off has sure been great and, well...afterall, we do have to pay the rent. Firm resolve: Next time... (it's always next time) I'll find something else Next time I'll start to look around earlier at other possibilities. In the meanwhile, though, it's really been wonderful and I hate to go but we gotta eat. You're gone again, caught up in your trap so neatly concealed with rationalizations, and memory helps. Good old memory smooths out all the rough spots, stuffs the loneliness away in little pockets out of sight, even drags up an enjoyable moment or two or a conversation with a shipmate to help you along. You're at the airport and reflex takes over and you're jockeying for position in the check in line and then the long walk down lifeless corridors that could be used for a movie set where the inhabitants of the planet are robots with metal hearts and crystalline brains, no feeling required. It's that way everywhere you go, airports are not built for flesh and blood human beings. Oughta buy a magazine... your plane is now ready for boarding... the stewardess smiles the same "allthewaybackonyourleft" smile (they call it professional) and "Hey buddy, how was yer time off?" Just great, looks like we're at the back of the bus again." Fly for two hours wait at another airport for four... Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your pilot... gawd, I hope this character next to me doesn't snore... she does. Another airport milling around, luggage grabbing, you say no to the strange accent trying to sell you a taxi ride... there's a bus waiting and at the end of that the ship. The smell of loneliness is cleverly disguised by spreading confusion around the trap and the lonely desperation of the other crew has been replaced by the joy of expectation, they are being released, going home! It doesn't come yet the log trip and confusion dull the senses. New faces, my name is--- means "who the hell are you?" The "beach people" smile(they don't have to go) and "where's the gawdam messdeck?" "Hey, anybody seen----?" it's called Port Call. The lines are finally cast off it's even a relief just to escape the confusion and you're underway watching the people, the city, the land slip away. It's gentle this final move away from love from warmth from those that really care. The ship slips through the water dragging its wake along and drawing a shroud of blue around itself from horizon to horizon till all you can see is blue on blue sky on sea and now, now it begins once more. Long sleepless nights with little else to do but think, think of where you are not...........


To love you...

To love you
   was a dream;
    to share the warmth
             the light
             the softness of you
    seemed out of reach
    even for the dreamer
    who effortlessly raced
    across heavens bounds.

Then you touched the dreamer
    and all the dreams
    he'd ever dreamed
    came true
             in the warmth
                the light
                the softness of you
    and he soared to heights
    that seemed out of reach
    even for the dreamer.

You, we, us... You rage

You rage
   You weep
you presumably lose sleep
over the plight
of the poor
the homeless
the sick
the children
whose fathers
   mothers
the whole world
have deserted.
 
   Lamenting
the lack of caring
  of sharing
    love
in our cities
  our nations
  our world.

We sit around
   decrying
the injustice
the inequities
  the hate
   the crime
    the waste;
  blame
the government
   politicos
big business
   religion
   unions...
    "Them"
 "those others"

All the ills of
   the world
   the nations
   the cities
the neighborhoods
   our homes!
      are
 "their fault"
      It's
"just not fair."

      Well,
    good news!
 there's a light
   at the end
 of the tunnel!

       Oh,
that's not a light
it's a reflection
  of yourself
when you take a moment
    an hour
     a week
(you decide how much)
       and
make a committment
give of yourself
    your time
      skills
      hands
  eyes, legs
some sweat
  your LOVE
at a shelter
a hospice
a clinic
a library
a hospital
a food bank
even something
as seemingly ignoble
as a litter strewn street
(opportunities abound).

Too much to ask?  
         OK!
Then instead of weeping
      give a smile
    to a stranger
  instead of raging
  say a kind word
instead of blaming
accept responsibility.

It's your world
if  you don't like it
      YOU
       must
  be the one
  the place
where change starts.

I see you...

I see you

and I know

our love was grown

in some other time.

Shall we love again

now

or perhaps tomorrow

in an eternity yet 

to be.

We loved then

I know we shall again.

Across infinite miles...

Across infinite miles
       having travell'd paths
     man can only dream of,
the meteor screams into ,atmosphere
          and is gone
             in a brilliant flash
           no longer than it takes
               a child to say
                 "I wish.."

Chill grey day...


Chill grey day tinny loudspeaker Xmas carols fill the air above heads-down shoppers, plodding through muddy remnants of lackluster falling snowflakes, trying to remember that Christmas is just around the corner.



Transendance

swirling, whirling
lights
flashing
green, blue
colors, dark
white, light
voices whisper
shout!
Hang on! Hold tightly!
I cling
grasping my
time-space-place
like a child
clinging to
the upright strut on a
playground - merrygoround
and watch the others
clinging too
with arms & legs
mouths laughing & grinning & shouting
under fear lit eyes
Hold on! Tightly!
Hang on, dear ! mother says
Hold tightly, son! father says
flashing swirls
white
bright
light
dark
soft
outsidesomewhere
voices....
What?!
Let go! Let go!
Let go?! Hell, no!!
Others clinging shout...
Don't! Let! Go!
smoky blue
deep brown
bright green
eyes
ask me
Hang on Daddy?
swirling
light
voices
flashing
bright
red
darkness
Let go !
Well...my arms are getting tired...
What?!
Hang on, mister! ! Hang on, Daddy?
My God, I don't know! !
Flashing
smoky
deep
bright
voices sing
Wrong again!
shout
Let go!
Who's out there?
All of us.
Who?
You.
Go screw!
No, you let go.
No! Don't! Let go!
Your place
in time & space
is anynow & everywhere
Let go!

I can't
Why?
I'm afraid!
Exactly
Fingers numb
flashing
lite
white
bright
darkness
clinging
singing
Rock of Ages
huh?!
We'll drown them out
Why
don't
you
drop
a
Bomb?
okay
NO!!
Gran'pa, I love you
Rock-a-bye
swirling swimmimg
misty shimmering
smoky clear
gray blue
flashing shining
let go! let go!
You sure? YES!!
okay

Outside now
time
my
space
relinquished
place
reality
I see
small swirling whirls
of clinging arms
fear lit eyes
sing I love you
shouting
Rock of Ages
&
D
R
O